


green.

by tryslora



Category: Welcome to PHU Series - Tris Lawrence
Genre: Canon Compliant, Explicit Consent, F/F, Negotiations, Oral Sex, Past Carolyn/Shawn, Past Underage Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, past dubious consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:04:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18748654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryslora/pseuds/tryslora
Summary: Carolyn wants to find a way to please Serina, without falling into traumatic memories, or feeling like she’s broken.





	green.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a canon story based on [Welcome to PHU](http://welcometophu.tumblr.com) (also mirroring on Pillowfort at [Welcome to PHU](https://www.pillowfort.io/community/WelcomeToPHU)). 
> 
> I picked Choose Not to Warn because this story isn't black and white. Carolyn does have past trauma to overcome, but in her mind, she doesn't necessarily think of it as trauma, despite having a PTSD-like reaction to it. This story deals with consent issues, with Carolyn trying to understand her sexuality and work through how she relates to her girlfriend. Some readers may not agree with Carolyn's reactions (both in her past and in her present), or this may make readers uncomfortable; I won't be offended if this story is not for you. 
> 
> This story contains spoilers for the book _Missed Fortunes_ and takes place after the conclusion of that book.
> 
> This story resolves around issues of consent, and in the flashback, Carolyn's consent is dubious at times, and avoids non-con despite the situation. Please take care of yourself, and do not read if this is going to be triggering for you.
> 
> This story alternates between college, high school, then college again, and is explicit in both timelines.
> 
> This is not a healing cock story. Sex doesn't heal trauma. All we can do is figure out how to function in the aftermath.
> 
> I needed to write this story because parts of _Missed Fortunes_ felt unresolved to me, and I spent a few months in a fog before I got that through my head. I think this story helps give me closure.

“Any time you want to stop, we stop.” Serina is stretched out on her bed, one arm casually thrown over her head, her other hand resting against her bare belly. One knee is bent, and she bites her lip before she smiles at Carolyn, reaching for her. “I mean it,” she says, as Carolyn carefully straddles her. “Do you want to be on the top or on the bottom? Or do you want to be side by side?”

They’re both wearing only a bra and panties, and it’s the first time they’ve had so much skin bared to the air at the same time. Carolyn’s breath is tight in her throat, and her brain is warring with so many different impulses that she can’t figure out what to follow first.

Her own panties are wet. Carolyn’s definitely aroused. She’s not sure if it’s because of Serina, if it’s seeing skin, or if it’s just the way that only moments ago, Serina was sucking on Carolyn’s nipples through her bra until the fabric was soaked and her nipples ached.

Serina’s nipples are tiny pebbles, still hidden by the blue lace over black satin of her bra. Carolyn’s never seen them, but she imagines that her areola are small to match the peaked nipples, that everything would be small and easily fit in her palm. And she wonders what it would be like to lean forward and capture one nipple between her teeth, if Serina would make a funny little gasp or breathy moan. If she’d cry out, or just be silent.

Serina touches Carolyn’s hip, fingers grazing along the edge of her underwear, and everything in Carolyn’s mind screams to a halt.

“I—” she says, and cuts off.

Serina stills her hand. “Is this okay?”

She’s wet with anticipation, leaking because she wants to be touched. Okay. That much makes sense to Carolyn’s mind. She nods, adding, “Can I lie down?” She moves off of Serina, kneeling next to her, hands on her own knees.

Serina shifts, giving Carolyn space to stretch out on her back. Carolyn squirms slightly as she does so, her body canted ever so slightly toward Serina, her closer leg straight, her other leg bend, knee tipped outward. She thinks she knows where this is going, knows where she’d like it to go even if it means she’s selfish as fuck. She hooks her fingers in her underwear and quickly takes them off, dropping them on Serina’s floor.

She feels naked and exposed and when Serina lightly touches her thigh she wants to scream, “Please, yes,” and arch into the touch.

Except.

Then she should….

_Fuck._

Carolyn falls onto her back away from Serina. She turns her head, stares at the wall.

“Where are you going?” Serina asks quietly.

“Shawn,” Carolyn says, the name catching in her throat.

Serina makes a soft hm sound, then makes room next to Carolyn she can curl up with her. She twines one leg with her, leaves a hand against Carolyn’s stomach, well above her navel. “This okay?”

Her weight is heavy and warm, but it’s comforting and feels good, like a pleasant anchor. “Yes,” Carolyn tells her.

“Do you need to chase that memory, or do you need to talk about it, or do you need to be distracted?” Serina asks. She used to ask _what do you need from me right now_ but when Carolyn couldn’t answer, Serina changed the question.

This does work better. It gives her concrete options, ones that she can touch and taste and test to see how they’ll set her off. It’s different each time, and Carolyn wants to cry from how patient Serina is with her. She wants to cry because she still feels like she can’t be what Serina needs, like she’s broken on the inside somehow even though she knows it’s partly just the way she’s made, and partly trauma left from neither her or Shawn understanding it at all when they were younger.

“Can we just be quiet for a little bit?” Carolyn asks. She rolls onto her side, dragging Serina with her like a blanket wrapped around her. It seems wrong to say that she needs to think about Shawn when she’s in bed with Serina. But she has a feeling that distraction isn’t the right answer this time. She needs to think about it. She needs to face it, and come out the other side.

She wants to move forward, and she doesn’t know how to put it into words. Her mind is the only place she has to fight right now.

#

Carolyn had never looked at Shawn and thought _I want to tap that_. She’d never looked at anyone and thought about sex, other than wondering how awkward it had to be to have a penis, or how complicated and messy it all sounded.

She was familiar with arousal, with the sensation of pressing the heel of her hand against her mound and rubbing until she tingled and grew wet. She knew what it felt like when she was brave enough to dip two fingers between the slick lips and roll her clitoris until she shuddered to climax. Her body responded to touch, and it felt good.

But she really wasn’t sure she needed to share it with someone else.

Until the first time Shawn had his hand under her shirt. He’d nudged it up, tugged the fabric of her bra down. It presented her breast like a gift, pushed up by the satin drawn tight under it, and before she realized what he was going to do, he had leaned in and sucked on her nipple.

And oh, that touch… that was good. It felt so good that she had started squirming. She had followed his silent urging when he tugged her to straddle him, and she hadn’t thought about what she was pressing down against as she wriggled. It was hard, just like the heel of her hand, and he kept sucking on her breast until she broke apart, shattering under his touch.

He’d grinned then as she sat there, dazed with the knowledge that having someone else touch her could feel so good. He gently tugged her bra up, and her shirt down to cover her. And as she leaned back, he caught her hand and brought it to his crotch where she could feel the hard ridge of his cock that she’d been rutting against.

Her eyes had gone wide then, and she skittered back, staring at him, whispering one word: “No.”

His gaze had gone dark. Angry. Frustrated. “No?”

“Not yet,” she had said, because it felt like what he wanted to hear. “Not yet.”

She’d thought that was the end of it, and that was okay with her. She loved Shawn, but she didn’t want to touch him. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t really interested. Every time she thought about it, she’d imagine him opening his fly, pulling out his cock, and her brain supplied clinical images of an erect penis from a textbook.

She imagined that she’d touch it, and it would go off like a gun, gushing from the tip. Sticky, wet, and messy. Uncontained and dangerous.

She didn’t want that, and she was willing to give up the rest to avoid it. After all, she could get herself off just as easily; she didn’t need Shawn for that. Their relationship was enough for her.

She still didn’t look at him and think _I want him_.

Except.

It didn’t stop.

And the thing was, Shawn’s hands and mouth on her breasts was a better sensation than his tongue in her mouth. Carolyn hated kissing and it hadn’t gotten any better than the first time. Even without the kumquat taste on his breath, she still felt like she was being strangled every time they kissed. When he licked her breasts, left his marks on her skin, and when he shoved his hand down her pants to push his fingers inside of her, she got off. She got an orgasm out of the deal.

And Carolyn might not want to instigate sex, but she kind of liked the orgasms.

It was selfish. Purely selfish.

Because she still couldn’t bring herself to reciprocate.

Shawn kept escalating, until she was lying on his bed, her underwear gone, her bra unhooked and off-kilter with her shirt pushed up around her chin. Her knees were spread, heels digging into the mattress, fingers tight in the fabric because he had touched her with his tongue and the world changed. This she couldn’t do alone. This felt different, and this touch was soft and silky and so, so good. It should have felt awkward, should have felt weird to have his mouth on her. But all she could think about was the fireworks exploding along her skin, the way she was racing to orgasm until it left her gasping, limp and oversensitive, pushing him away.

She sat up and he met her, kissing her deeply, filling her mouth with the sticky musk of her own fluids, and she took it because this was the price.

His hand slid down her arm, his fingers tangling with hers. Still lax in the aftermath of orgasm, she didn’t think to resist as he moved her hand, until she felt soft skin of his hard length beneath her touch. She flinched, and he held her there.

She couldn’t look down, couldn’t make herself see it. If she couldn’t see it, then it was still safely tucked away, just a strange hard ridge under his jeans. She licked her lips, and he grinned.

“Yeah,” he said, and with his free hand he ran his thumb over her lower lip. “I went down on you. Now you go down on me.”

No.

She jerked her hand and he let her go this time, let her retreat back on the bed with space between them. It was impossible not to see him now, the way his cock poked out through the fly of his jeans, hard and a little red. Thick. A drip formed at the tip, drawing her attention to the tiny slit.

He lowered his hand to it, stroked along it, and Carolyn made a noise low in her throat.

“Do you want to watch?” he asked.

She slid off the bed, crouching on the floor. “Where’s my underwear?” It had to be here somewhere.

When she glanced back up, he sat on the edge of the bed, his legs spread, and where did his jeans go? His cock looked even bigger with just his underwear on, and it was right there. All she needed to do to make him happy was tilt forward, press her mouth to the tip.

It couldn’t be worse than kissing him.

She closed her eyes, and thought of the volcano she made in seventh grade science, bubbling up and over, oozing liquid down the sides. She shuddered. “No,” she said, keeping her tone even and firm.

They sat there, frozen, for what felt like forever. Carolyn counted her breaths, afraid to move backwards, unwilling to move forwards. She didn’t know what he’d do, didn’t know why he’d gone this far today.

She wasn’t afraid of Shawn. She’d never been afraid of Shawn. But she was afraid of what he might do because he wanted this so much more than she did. So much more than she probably ever would.

“No,” she whispered again.

He stood abruptly, and she rocked back to get away from him, falling on her ass on the floor. She pulled her knees together, uncomfortably exposed as he stalked away. When he turned back, he glared down at her, cock bobbing as he gestured angrily.

“I don’t know how you could possibly think you’re bi,” he ground out

She frowned, hunching her shoulders. “Why?” She’d trusted him with that information over dinner, with the vague fledgling feelings that she was still sorting out. She’d confessed to a crush, to the fact that it wouldn’t go anywhere, but just the idea of it. Something she wanted to talk through with someone close to her. His denial hurt. “Why can’t I be bi?”

He laughed, the sound harsh and derisive. “How the hell do you think you’re ever going to have sex with a girl if you can’t even go down on me? You froze up when I kissed you, and maybe you didn’t like tasting yourself, or maybe you just always freeze up when I kiss you.” He turned away, grabbing for his jeans and pulled them up. She heard the zip go up, watched as he pulled a shirt over his head.

He was fully dressed and she was still half-naked, her shirt like a cowl around her throat.

He turned back and crouched in front of her. “You need to get over this,” he said quietly. “You say you love me, but you’re so damned cold as soon as we start fooling around. Sex goes both ways, Carolyn. I love you, but I’m tired of giving and never getting anything back. Maybe you don’t really love me after all.”

Every word was like a stone, hard and angry, thrown against her skin. She drew her knees in to her chest, hugged them tight and wished she could magically dress herself. But magic didn’t work that way, not like in the movies. Magic was complicated and full of ritual, or as simple as laying out the cards for guidance.

It didn’t rescue anyone from embarrassment.

“Get out,” she mumbled.

“It’s my room.” Shawn stood again, towering over her. She refused to move until he walked away, tossing her underwear and jeans in her direction. They landed a foot from her, and she still didn’t unwind herself to reach for them.

“Get out.” Firmer now, tears sliding down her cheeks. She just wanted him gone so she could get dressed in peace. “Go put on a movie or something. Order a pizza. I’ll be down soon.”

His stance softened, and he walked to the door. He hesitated after opening it, and Carolyn sucked in a breath as if the air from the hallway meant freedom in some way.

“You liked it when I went down on you,” he said.

She couldn’t deny that part of it. “I did.”

“I’ll do it again.”

He was gone before she could argue the point. Before she could say that orgasms weren’t currency and they weren’t going to convince her to do anything before she was ready. Before she could try to explain that just because her body liked a thing it didn’t mean that she wanted it.

Her body betrayed her, she thought, because it always liked it. She was aroused, she got off, she liked to be touched.

She just….

She didn’t want it if it came with strings.

She definitely didn’t want more than that.

And she couldn’t figure out how to make him understand.

#

“It was so miserably confusing in high school,” Carolyn mumbles, pressing her face against the sheets. “I still don’t think Shawn really understands. I’m not sure I understand completely, yet. But I’m trying. I just—” She cuts off, lacking words. Instead she covers Serina’s hand with hers, twines their fingers together against her belly, just below her bra. “I really like you,” she whispers.

Serina’s laugh is a soft huff of warmth against the nape of her neck. “Good. Because I really like you, too.” Serina presses her lips against her shoulder, then leans up to kiss up the side of Carolyn’s neck, nipping at the spot just below Carolyn’s ear which somehow connects right to all the softest, wettest places between her legs. Carolyn whimpers, shivering, and Serina withdraws.

“Carolyn.”

She turns slowly. Carefully. Serina waits for her with a small smile on her lips, and reaches out to lightly touch Carolyn’s jaw, fingers sliding along, back to her ear. “Can we try something?” Serina asks softly.

Carolyn has so many questions. Does this something mean they both get off? Does Carolyn have to kiss her, or put her mouth someplace sticky, or will she end up feeling selfish? She should probably ask at least one of them. “What are you thinking?” It’s open-ended, but it encompasses some of the confusion swirling in her head.

Serina sits up, cross-legged. “I’m going to suggest things. Sometimes it’ll be a question, sometimes it’ll be asking you to do something, sometimes it’ll be me asking if I can do something. And you’re going to answer with red, yellow, or green.” Her smile flashes bright, only for a moment. “I was going to say yes or no, but sometimes things are more complicated than that. Yellow can be okay but go slow because you might change your mind.”

“Do I get to ask you things?” Carolyn pushes herself to sitting slowly. She realizes that she’s not wearing underwear, that she kicked it away earlier, and she fights with instinct that says to cover herself up. Instead she carefully arranges herself to sit across from Serina, her legs crossed the same way, knees falling open. The air in the room is cool against her skin, and she shivers.

“I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but sure,” Serina agrees. “You don’t have to. But if you want to, yes. Mostly, I give blanket consent to anything that will make you comfortable, and yes, that includes telling me to get out of this room or to put all my clothes back on or to go shove myself in a cold shower.”

Carolyn laughs despite herself. “Okay,” she agrees, her fingers drumming lightly against her knees. “Okay.”

Serina smiles brightly again, licks her lips as she claps her hand. “I’d like to take my bra off,” she says. “Is that okay with you?” She reaches behind herself, then stops, frozen as she waits for an answer.

Carolyn fidgets. “Should I—” No, that’s not what she wants to ask. “Can I take mine off, too?”

“You can take off or put on any clothing right now,” Serina says somberly. “But you didn’t answer me yet.”

Oh. “Green,” Carolyn says, as she unhooks her bra. She hunches her shoulders, letting the bra fall forward before she grabs it and drops it off the side of the bed. She looks at the floor, at the scattered clothes that have fallen in almost random patterns there. “You can take off your underwear as well if you’d like.”

There’s a soft click, a rustle of fabric. “You’re okay with me being naked?”

That word. It sounds so… definite. Naked. There’s a connotation there that’s different than nude, or unclothed. Naked has a purpose.

Carolyn nods. “Yes,” she says quietly. “Green to both of us being naked.”

She waits until Serina finishes, until she feels Serina settle back into place. When Carolyn looks up, Serina sits with her knees up and slightly spread, her hands looped around her shins. Serina’s smile is different now. Shy and cautious as she lowers her knees and lets Carolyn look her fill.

She was wrong about Serina’s areola. The tips of her nipples are tiny, but the darker brown spreads across her tanned skin, encompassing a large part of her small breasts. Carolyn flexes her fingers, tests the idea of touching Serina’s skin with her hands or tongue, and realizes that the thought is more yellow than red, as long as she’s above the waist. She holds onto that thought, saving it for later. She wants it to be closer to green, and maybe it will be if she waits.

It takes more effort to look down. She wants to see all of Serina, to catalog her and remember her, the way she can feel Serina’s gaze on her own body. She knows the tiny curve of her belly well, and she’s a little surprised to see how thin her pubic hair is. It isn’t sparse, but it’s not the thick wiry thatch of Carolyn’s own. She can see skin peeking through, as Serina squirms slightly.

“Caro?” Serina asks, and Carolyn meets her gaze. “Would it be okay if I get myself off?”

_Do you want to watch?_

Carolyn’s hands twist into tight fists against her knees.

This isn’t the same. Serina’s not asking her to touch. She’s not even asking her to watch. She’s just… asking to masturbate.

Carolyn takes a rough breath. “Yellow,” she admits.

“Do you want me to not do it where you can see?”

That’s not a red or green kind of question. “It’s not—” Carolyn keeps her gaze on Serina’s face, fighting to maintain that connection. “It’s complicated,” she says. “Do you want me to touch you?”

“Only if you want to,” Serina says quietly.

“Do you want me to watch? Do you want to touch me, or do you want me to do it at the same time?” The words keep spilling out of Carolyn, too many to make this conversation easy. They’re beyond yes or no. She’s messing up everything that Serina’s carefully constructed. She’s creating her own cage, her own discomfort.

She rolls to her hip, shifting to get her feet off the bed so she can stand up, arms wrapped around her center as she turns away.

Serina doesn’t move.

“Do you want to leave?” Serina asks, and Carolyn can hear roughness in her voice, grating and low.

Carolyn shakes her head. “No. Red. I want to be here with you.” She wants to get past this, to find some way to enjoy being physical with Serina. Some way to do something that makes Carolyn feel less like she’s broken. “But I can’t—”

“I’m not asking you to.” A pause, and Serina asks, “May I touch my breasts?”

Carolyn glances over at her. “Green,” she whispers.

Serina circles one nipple with her fingertip, then pinches it, tugging as she rolls it between thumb and finger. There’s a hint of rose under her skin, spreading across her chest as well as her cheeks. “I like it a little rough,” she whispers. “Just here. Like. Sometimes I think about what it would feel like if someone pinched me.”

“Would you make noise?” Carolyn’s heard the soft gasps from what they have done so far, the shocked little hiccups of sound that Serina makes when she’s surprised by just how good something feels.

Serina ducks her head. “Probably.”

They stay like that, Serina rolling one nipple roughly before she switches to the other, and Carolyn standing, holding herself upright as she watches. She’s wet again, and Carolyn knows that this time it’s because of the flush on Serina’s skin. She’s not aroused because she wants Serina, so much as she’s aroused because Serina wants. She doesn’t know how to explain it better than that, but it makes sense inside her head.

“Would you sit next to me?” Serina asks, her voice catching on the last word.

Carolyn sits, then speaks. “Green.” She pulls her feet up, ends up kneeling next to her. Facing her. “Can I—” She holds one hand up, hesitant because this is still yellow but edging closer and closer to green. “Can I touch your breast?” She wants to see Serina’s face, to hear those soft, shocked sounds.

Serina lowers her own hand, fingers falling in front of her wet curls. “Yes. Can I finger myself while you do?”

Yellow.

No.

Carolyn bites back the word, nods slowly as she tries to fight through why that feels wrong. Serina isn’t Shawn, she isn’t asking Carolyn to watch like Carolyn owes her something. Serina is asking every step of the way, and that’s what makes it different, and why Carolyn isn’t going to go with her instinctive reaction. “Green,” Carolyn says slowly. “You can—you can lie back, if it’d be more comfortable.”

Serina rearranges herself, lying down on the bed, her knees falling outward as her fingers press into her slit. Carolyn doesn’t watch, but feels the rise of her body in reaction to the touch. Carolyn cradles one small breast in her hand, slides her thumb over the rigid nipple. When Serina whimpers, Carolyn captures it, pinching carefully until Serina gasps.

“Yes,” Serina exhales. “Is this okay?”

Carolyn nods. “Still green.”

She should ask a question, she thinks. She should make sure it’s okay, but she’s pretty sure Serina just told her that fantasy on purpose. Just in case. Carolyn bends down, her hair falling across her shoulder, sliding over Serina’s skin. Carolyn keeps stroking her nipple, listening to the way Serina’s breath changes, catching on every stroke. Her body moves under Carolyn, but it’s slow and languid.

Carolyn hovers there, uncertain. “I’d like to—”

Bite you. Taste you. Lick every part of your breast, but nowhere else.

“Would you like to put your mouth on my nipple?” Serina asks, and it sounds a little like she’s having trouble with words.

“Green,” Carolyn replies.

“Green,” Serina echoes, as Carolyn closes the distance and does exactly that.

Tongue first, sweeping across the nipple, tasting the difference in texture from normal skin. Then teeth, closing over her nipple, biting down cautiously until Serina gasps, body arching. Carolyn pulls back, and Serina says, “Green. Green. I swear, green,” so Carolyn does it again, latching on and suckling hard.

Serina shudders. Fingers whisper across Carolyn’s shoulder, almost touching her then pulling back as Serina arches up, shaking, crying out before she falls back against the bed again. “Fuck,” Serina whispers. “Oh God, fuck. Carolyn. I want to go down on you so much.”

“What?” Carolyn sits back quickly, staring down at her. “Why?”

Serina lifts her hand from between her legs, rubs it against the sheets. Everything is sticky and glistening. Wet, and smelling of musk. Carolyn feels it between her own legs, the uncomfortable way everything slides together and feels like she needs to press against something just to relieve the pressure. “Because,” Serina smiles lazily. “I just want you to feel good. May I go down on you, Carolyn? Can I finger you until you get off?”

“Did you just—?”

Serina nods. “Mm-hm.”

“But I didn’t—we didn’t—” Carolyn doesn’t know how she feels about that. They just had sex. Sort of. Technically. “Yellow.” She needs to slow down a moment, to sort through this.

Serina’s expression shifts rapidly from pleased to concerned. “Are you upset that you touched me?”

Carolyn shakes her head. “I’m okay. I mean. It’s not about your breasts, it’s about the adorable noises you make when I bite them.”

Serina opens her mouth, closes it again with a shy look. “Okay. Then. Is it because I touched myself while you were touching me?”

“No.” Carolyn pauses, revisits that thought. “Yes. I mean. You—that was an orgasm, and you got off, but that’s not how sex works. But it also seems like we just had sex and I didn’t even realize—”

“You had your mouth on my breast,” Serina points out. “We’re naked, although that’s not really a requirement, just a bonus. And no one but us gets to define how sex works for us. I don’t need your fingers or your tongue to make it sex with you. That was incredibly intense and wonderful, and I’m really happy we did it.”

“But it wasn’t enough,” Carolyn says, her voice tight and high. “It wasn’t _sex_ sex. You should—I should—there’s supposed to be more.”

“There doesn’t have to be.”

_How are you ever going to have sex with a girl?_

But she did. She just did. They did.

As impossible as it seems, maybe that was successful sex.

“There doesn’t have to be anything more than that?” she asks.

“There doesn’t even have to be that, if you’re not comfortable with it,” Serina says. She wiggles her fingers. “Carolyn, yes, I like orgasms, but if doing it with you is going to make you uncomfortable, then I am perfectly fine keeping them to myself.”

Carolyn thinks about the sounds Serina made, and she’s wet all over again. “Is it weird that thinking about the sounds you make gets me aroused but I still don’t necessarily want to go down on you or get my fingers inside of you?” she mumbles.

“We can work with that,” Serina replies. She rolls over on her elbow, looks up at Carolyn. “Would you be willing to lie back and can I go down on you? I’d really like to get you off. But only if you want me to?”

“Why?” Carolyn can’t think what Serina’s getting out of it, not if Carolyn won’t do the same for her.

“Remember how you liked the noises I made?” Serina asks. She gestures, and Carolyn carefully arranges herself so she can lean back and still look down, watch as Serina settles between her legs. Serina slowly strokes one finger down through Carolyn’s slit, and Carolyn jumps as Serina strokes up again to touch her clit. “I’m going to see if you make those noises,” Serina murmurs. “Only louder.”

When she phrases it that way, it makes more sense. It’s a framing that Carolyn can understand, the pleasure coming from the pleasure of her partner, not because it’s a give and take that requires something in return. “It’s not because I—”

Serina sits back, shakes her head. “It’s not payment. This isn’t some kind of exchange. Carolyn, I’d love to spend an hour making you squirm in any way I can if that makes you happy. I’d probably kind of get off on it, too, to be honest. I mean, like, without you needing to touch me at all. I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But if you like how it feels when I go down on you, then I’m happy to do that. So… can I go down on you? And is it okay if I finger you while I do it?”

Carolyn exhales roughly, nodding before she finishes working through the answer in her head. “Okay. I haven’t—not since Shawn—” She stutters to a stop, tries again. “I’ve used my own fingers, though. Not… maybe not as much as you will. I don’t know how I’ll feel once you start.”

“If it changes, say yellow or red and I’ll stop immediately,” Serina says softly. She moves back into position, stretches out as she reaches to cup Carolyn’s bottom with her hands, lifting her slightly. “I’ll be honest here,” Serina whispers, her breath ghosting across Carolyn’s damp skin. “I’ve never gone down on someone with a vagina before. So. I’m not sure I’ll get it right, but I’ll do my best.”

Carolyn shivers, already sensitive. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do, either.”

“I am so very, very green right now,” Serina murmurs, then goes silent as she flicks her tongue between Carolyn’s slick lips.

It’s easy to fall into the sensation. Soft, and wet, and slick, and incredibly, intensely slippery. Every touch is a shock to Carolyn’s core, and she whimpers, pressing her hips up, begging for more. And Serina obliges, her face buried between Carolyn’s legs, her tongue sliding in deep, curling and then withdrawing to lick up her slit, suck gently at her clitoris until Carolyn’s legs shake.

Serina shifts, getting her weight onto one elbow, and Carolyn feels the careful press of a fingertip against her entrance. Serina pushes in slowly, and Carolyn jerks, her body going tense. “Yellow,” she manages to say. It’s too much, too soon, and she doesn’t want to fall into the memories again. She needs to pause.

Serina stops, raises her face so she can look at Carolyn. There’s a shine across her nose and lips, and Carolyn smells musk in the air. She doesn’t move her finger, just goes absolutely still. “Do you need me to stop completely?” Serina asks. “Do you need me to take my finger out?”

Carolyn licks her lips, assesses where they are. “Don’t go deeper,” she says. “Wiggle it a little?”

Serina does, a gentle circling motion that presses all around before she crooks her finger slightly and Carolyn tenses again.

“Okay. Um.” Carolyn shivers, not sure what to do with the sensations. “When you press down, it’s okay. When you press up, towards my clit, it’s too hard and too much. Tongue’s okay,” she says, her cheeks warm and flushed. “But no deeper than you are. It just—I’m not ready for that. But I like having something there.”

“Can I try something?” Serina asks. She pushes to her knees, freeing her other hand.

“I trust you,” Carolyn agrees. “Green.”

“I’m not going to touch your asshole, but I’m going to get a little close,” Serina tells her. She dips the fingers of her free hand into Carolyn’s slick slit, than slides back, pressing just behind her entrance.

It feels good.

Carolyn closes her eyes, lets her head fall back. “It feels good,” she whispers, and she can hear the smile in Serina’s soft laugh.

“Good. Lie back and enjoy.”

It was never like this before. Shawn dove in with a mission, licking like he had to get to the center of a lollipop and release her orgasm. Serina takes it slow, teasing Carolyn with circling touches of her tongue and fingers, pausing when Carolyn’s cries get louder. She makes Carolyn squirm, over and over. When the orgasm finally comes, it rolls through her in shockwaves, one after the other, leaving her shaken in the aftermath.

Carolyn reaches for Serina’s head, catches her hair and tugs slightly so that Serina lifts her head. “Red,” Carolyn says hoarsely. “I’m kind of sensitive now.”

Serina grins, utterly pleased with herself. “Was it good?”

“Mm.” Carolyn’s too tired to form words, too tired to even open her eyes again.

“Would it be okay if I lie next to you and get myself off again? Because that was really incredibly hot,” Serina admits.

Carolyn waves a hand at the bed. “Green.”

Serina pauses to wipe her face on the sheets, then falls with a thump next to her. When Carolyn reaches, Serina threads their fingers together. Carolyn can’t see what Serina does, but she can feel the movement of her body, the way she arches up into her own touch. Serina clings to Carolyn’s hand, squeezing hard as she gasps before falling back against the bed.

Carolyn rolls over without thinking, throws an arm across Serina’s body and tugs her close, Serina’s back to her front.

“Don’t you want to be the little spoon?” Serina murmurs, her voice lazy and slow.

Carolyn kisses the back of Serina’s neck. “I’d like to cuddle you this time, if that’s okay.”

“Any time you want to.” Serina reaches for the blankets, pulls them up over them both. “You doing okay after all that?”

Carolyn gives the question the consideration it requires. She hasn’t forgotten about Shawn; that will always be a part of her, and it’s going to keep coming back at the most awkward times. She’s not magically better, and she still isn’t sure about everything. This was sex, but she’s not sure what happens next time, or if it’ll be the same. “I might not like the same things another time,” she admits. “But right now, I’m very, very green. You make me happy.”

Serina huffs and wiggles back against her. “That’s all I want to hear. I’m green too, right now. Next time is next time, and we’ll figure it out then.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you're here, thank you for reading. If you somehow made it here and you don't already follow me or the serial Welcome to PHU:
> 
> You can find me (mostly silent) on Tumblr as [tryslora](http://tryslora.tumblr.com) and on Pillowfort as [tryslora](https://www.pillowfort.io/tryslora). You can find my original twice-weekly series at [Welcome to PHU](http://welcometophu.tumblr.com) (also mirroring on Pillowfort at [Welcome to PHU](https://www.pillowfort.io/community/WelcomeToPHU)).


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